Patreon Preview - Origin Stories: Healing From Complex Trauma w/ Stacy Parish

Deconstructing Dogma is a video bonus series hosted exclusively on Patreon. Patrons of The Deeper Pulse have unlimited access to these weekly extras in exchange for their support of the podcast. Patreon donations help keep the main feed of this pod ad-free.

This week’s Patreon Preview features excerpts from DD #50 with Stacy Parish. Stacy was on the main feed back in March 2023, and she's back to share about how complex trauma shaped her culty experiences - as well as her ability to recognize the warning signs before wading in too deep.

Content Warning >> This episode includes reference to sexual trauma, familial gaslighting, and emotional abuse.

In the full-length episode over on Patreon:

• Stacy shares how she got involved with the Org & why she chose to step away after completing her second level of training.
• She reveals what it was like stepping into the practice as a sexual trauma survivor; how the practice felt like a godsend that gifted her "a birthright that I'd been robbed of."
• She opens up about how, even as a teacher on 'the fringe' she experienced red flags; sharing examples.

And then, she bravely shares about her family of origin & how it may have shaped her susceptibility to gaslighting and undue influence:

• You'll learn about the since-disbanded False Memory Syndrome Foundation, their VERY troubling history (read more about it here), and the gaslighting that Stacy endured as a result of a systemic campaign to silence victims of childhood sexual abuse.
• Stacy tells us what it was like being gaslit by her parents & how/why psychological survival meant normalizing the tension of two painfully opposing truths.
• She reveals how her original wounds may have inspired her to incessantly seek out surrogate family & a sense of safety and belonging. And we discuss how common this yearning can be.

And finally, Stacy shares:

• How art and storytelling has helped her to liberate her voice.
• What it's been like for her to step into the spotlight & live her truth out loud.

Stacy Parish has a BS degree in art education from Minnesota State University, Mankato and spent 11 years in broadcasting — as a professional disc jockey, voice talent and copywriter. She has been professionally involved in education and communication for almost  years.  A born storyteller, her popular podcast “Full Spirals” brings together two of her passions: using her voice as a vehicle for change and promoting the arts as tools for healing. A working local artist, she is also employed in the paint and sip industry as an artist, and her original paintings have been taught to tens of thousands of people nationwide. fullspirals.com | @boomstacy

Transcript

Candice Schutter: 0:10

Welcome back to the Deeper Pulse and another Patreon preview. I'll be back here on the main feed in a week, maybe two with another long form conversation. But in the meantime, I just wanted to give y'all a heads up that there is just so much goodness happening over on Patreon. Just last week, I released a really powerful, heart-hitting episode with a long time friend of the pod, Stacy Parish. Stacy's been a part of the'cult'ure series before. She was a guest in March of last year when she shared about her somewhat culty experiences in 12 step recovery communities. It's episode 50 if you missed it. And I recently invited her to join me once again, this time over on Patreon, to share about her personal experiences as an'Org' teacher on the fringe. And to speak to an early theme in the'cult'ure series. How for many of us, our family of origin is in some ways our first cult. In this intimate conversation, Stacy bravely shares her personal story and how the experience of complex trauma from early childhood and well into adulthood may have shaped her attraction to high-demand environments. And also how, in other ways, it may have prepared her to see the red flags earlier, to step away before wading in too deep. And a quick content warning that this episode contains brief reference to sexual trauma, familial gaslighting, and emotional abuse. Please take care while listening. Here's a quick clip from the first half of our conversation where Stacey shares about how she found the org practice and why it was so impactful to her as a sexual trauma survivor. Let's listen in.

Stacy Parish: 1:58

And I I mean, I, I was somebody that, once I found the class I was in for the white belt. It's not like I took years to decide. I was like, yes! I mean, I had a moment of like, is this an MLM? But also I don't care, because yes. Uh, I had a lovely trainer who was really intentional about, emotions are gonna come up, thoughts are gonna come up. I need you to just turn all of those down like it's the volume on a radio, so that you can tune into sensation. And I didn't have any idea what that was. Because from a very young age, I vacated the premises. Like, I was not, I was not in my body. It was not safe to be in my body. My body had betrayed me. So spending an entire week listening, getting in touch with, honoring. This was the whole love your body time of the Org. You know, little buttons that say'I love my body.' Like, just the magic of the body. Like I never even imagined the body as being magic. And I'm an artist, so magic, bring it on.

Candice Schutter: 3:09

This experience of reinhabiting your body in this Org training. I mean, what a profound gift as a trauma survivor, right? Like, I mean beyond, beyond profound. So, this is just to underscore and offer a sense of compassion to all of us who maybe had a similar experience. To say like, when you're given a gift like that, you can overlook a few red flags for god's sakes. Right. It's massive. It's massive.

Stacy Parish: 3:37

Yeah. Yeah. It's a birthright that I was robbed of. It's a birthright.

Candice Schutter: 3:44

Right. And it feels true, at least I'll speak for myself. It felt true to me in the moment. This practice is the thing that's giving this to me.

Stacy Parish: 3:53

Yes.

Candice Schutter: 3:54

It's, it's not that there's lots of ways to re-inhabit one's body and to tune into sensation. This practice, it gave me the key to the door.

Stacy Parish: 4:03

Yes. And there were deeper keys that I could reach for that trainers had and that these two God-like geniuses had.

Candice Schutter: 4:15

Mm-Hmm. Right. And they're all strung in a row. White, blue, brown, black.

Stacy Parish: 4:24

Absolutely. Absolutely. And you're like, you leave the first one feeling like this was good, but the next one's even better. It's almost that, that that hit that I would get when I was, you know, drinking,

Candice Schutter: 4:40

Now let's listen in on part of the second half where Stacy shares a little bit about her personal history, what had gone down in the years before she stumbled into the Org practice, and what she's come to see on the other side of it all.

Stacy Parish: 4:54

So this initial healing went on several months. And part of that healing was to send a letter to my parents. Because it got to the point where, you know, I wasn't showing up for stuff. I wasn't at Easter. Like they needed to know what this distance was about. And I, I confronted them through a letter. My therapist at the time helped me write a letter. This was 1998. And what I got back from them, I don't know, a week or two later, was a letter from their attorney. And they began to send videotapes, pamphlets and information about the False Memory Syndrome Foundation to my then husband's employer, his family, his friends trying to enlist their help in bringing me back from the brink.

Candice Schutter: 5:44

Wow.

Stacy Parish: 5:45

I had clearly lost it. Like this wicked therapist had put these ideas in my head. I had fallen for it, hook, line, and sinker. And um, yeah, so. Found out what the False Memory Syndrome Foundation was. And one thing that I always like to say when I talk about them is that they don't exist anymore, because their shit wasn't real. And I remember when I found that out. Because even through my recovery from chemical dependency, but also sexual abuse, you know, there would be times where I would go to the False Memory Syndrome Foundation website. And I would believe, like, I was like, holy shit, I did make it all up. And I'll be honest, after my parents died and it, it's really a long story, but I still, still have moments where I'm like, I ruined both of my parents' life, and I had no right to do that.

Candice Schutter: 6:35

Mm.

Stacy Parish: 6:36

And, I, you know, continued to blame myself for pretty much everything.

Candice Schutter: 6:42

Sure. Well, I mean, talk about gaslighting to the umpteenth degree. Systemic gaslighting. And if I remember correctly, I looked into the False Memory Foundation before the episode that I released with you,'cause I spoke a little bit about this. It was founded in 1992 by a couple.

Stacy Parish: 7:00

Yes.

Candice Schutter: 7:01

Who their daughter accused the father of incest. They started this organization after the husband was accused of sexual abuse. And this term, false memory syndrome, which isn't a real thing. It's not in the DSM V or any diagnostic manual whatsoever. And it was, according to many folks it was just a way of deflecting accountability. It was like the reaction that your parents had, but they decided to start a foundation. It just so happened your, your parents had a foundation to lean into that had been started by another couple who were also in the process of gaslighting their child.

Stacy Parish: 7:38

Yes.

Candice Schutter: 7:38

I mean, insidious stuff. It, it's hard enough to be a sexual abuse survivor. The shame, developmentally how deep that goes. And then on top of it as an adult to say, okay, I'm finally going to name this. And for it, them to double down. Ugh. God, Stacy.

Stacy Parish: 7:57

Thank you for holding space for that and for naming that. Because my survival mode was like, it's nothing. It's nothing. It's nothing. It's nothing. I do tend to underestimate what that did to me. Period across the board. Like you said, from point of origin. Like the man who was supposed to protect me from men like him did the thing that he was supposed to protect me from. Like, what does that do for your ability to trust? You know? And then yeah. They, yeah, they doubled down. This is like, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, right? Like my whole life was that way. So that just lays the groundwork, right? Like, how easy is it to step into MLMs, which I did. Or the Org where, um, two truths exist.

Candice Schutter: 8:47

There's two tracks running simultaneously. And like you said, sort of tongue in cheek a moment ago. But it's also, I think you very much meant it because I've been in that headspace of like. Yeah, it's MLM like, but who cares, I'm going in? Right? I'm, it's like the cognitive dissonance is there.

Stacy Parish: 9:03

Mm-Hmm.

Candice Schutter: 9:04

But it's almost like in a way. And I think, and I know, privilege plays into this to a certain degree as well. Because, you know.

Stacy Parish: 9:11

Mm-Hmm.

Candice Schutter: 9:12

White women with thin privilege walking in the door is different than someone else walking in the door. And so it's like, do a cost-benefit analysis. Well I can, I can fit in well enough that I can sidestep this culty bullshit and get the good stuff.'cause there's some honey in there, there's some really juicy honey in there. And I need that nectar, something fierce.

Stacy Parish: 9:32

I'm gonna learn to love my body.

Candice Schutter: 9:34

Right?

Stacy Parish: 9:35

Incest survivor. With all of, like you said, all the guilt. All the shame. All... I'm gonna learn to love my body. Not just be in it, but love it. That was, yeah. And when I think about, you know, like not just the original wound, but like, the original ruse in some ways.

Candice Schutter: 9:57

Mm-Hmm.

Stacy Parish: 9:58

And I was always really quick to jump on a bandwagon. Always if, if, if somebody was gonna say, you know, we love you, we believe in you, and we are here for you. I was like, really?

Candice Schutter: 10:11

Mm-Hmm.

Stacy Parish: 10:12

You know, it's, it's the familial piece that I was always searching for. And then of course, you know, now I'm in my fifties, and I know where that belongs. Like that's in here; that's nowhere else but in here. But it took decades and decades and decades.

Candice Schutter: 10:27

Mm-Hmm.

Stacy Parish: 10:28

To land here.

Candice Schutter: 10:30

Yeah. Yeah.

Stacy Parish: 10:33

And what happens when, when you get to this point in your healing. Or when I got to this point in my healing, it gives meaning to all of that shit. All of that bullshit. Like, there's meaning now. And what a bummer that I have to be almost 60 to get there. And I don't know if, I can't really wax poetic on where we are, where we're going. But I'm just grateful that I'm here now.

Candice Schutter: 11:00

This is a really powerful conversation. And if you want to hear it from start to finish, consider joining the growing community over on Patreon. If you're not sure what Patreon is, it's a place where we go even deeper through weekly bonus content. It's a space where listeners can comment and interact. And it's a way to support this work. All monthly subscriber fees support production of this podcast. In 2023, we focused on Deconstructing Dogma, and we'll still be rolling some of those episodes out. But in 2024, I'm playing with some new ideas around extras. Including a brand new solo series that I'm calling Subject to Change. And, for those of you who are former Orgers, it might interest you to know that I'm even thinking about adding in some dance fitness choreography here and there. Just to show you how it is I'm doing my own thing. Being influenced by all of my former mentors and everything I've bought and paid for, and sharing my embodied knowledge without allegiance to any particular brand or modality. Anyway, lots to look forward to in the new year. So if you want to check it out, head over to patreon.com/thedeeperpulse. Also, in addition to tuning into the bonus episode with Stacy. If you'd like to hear more from her, consider checking out her podcast, Full Spirals. Visit the show notes for a link. Thanks for tuning in. I'll see you back here soon with more'cult'ure series content. Bye for now.